It’s a cold, wet, dreary day. I, like many others in Portland, am longing for the sun. I’ve often thought Oregon should offer free anti-depressants during the rainy season.
I’m preparing for another writer’s session with Jessica Morrell tomorrow and am reflecting on the last session we had a few weeks ago. During the open discussion I had compared myself to a Chihuahua. I tend to be high strung and often find that my thoughts are similar to a pup chasing its tail, looking for that foot hold to slow the thoughts long enough in order to grasp something concrete. Frustrated I have found myself pecking away at the computer.
I will be forty this August. In my mind, since I had my first child at twenty-one, it has been a count down to regain pieces of my life I didn’t experience. Although these days having a child at twenty-one isn’t so young it of course impacted me since I was responsible for another life. I put things on hold. When my youngest is twenty it will be a matter of months before I turn forty-five. I’m making plans for those times, trusting that my children will successfully land on their own two feet.
However, in making those plans I’ve also created smaller goals simply for sanity purposes. Fighting the good fight with carpal tunnel syndrome, my writing practices have dwindled to almost nothing so I have indulged myself in studying the craft, understanding structure, characterization and those wicked adverbs that haunt me in my dreams. I often wonder if I “have what it takes” to make it as a writer, but what seems to be taking hold in my heart is that perseverance and courage have a large part in the overall picture. I laugh as I write that. Just last night I was explaining to someone that looking at the overall picture scares the hell out of me, overwhelms me at every turn I contemplate. So I find myself breaking things down into smaller pieces that I can chew and digest. The chihuahaua comes to mind again.
So I continue my journey, one day at a time, and open myself to learning and growing with each given day.